Big ole tears just fell out of my eyes as I said the title of this title out loud. Let me stay focused here.
This is a tribute piece.
It’s so easy to focus on who doesn’t make it through our difficult seasons… it makes for better memes to point out who “wasn’t with me when I was shootin’ in the gym” or to think “when you didn’t need me any more” or “it wasn’t convenient for you”, that our relationship changed. I mean. I guess… and I know all that can be true, but… ultimately it’s not about who doesn’t make it through the storm with you… it’s about who does. Why do we spend so much time thinking about …. No… let’s be honest… RESENTING the people that don’t go through the tough stuff with us? I guess the real question is, how do we do a better job of honoring and loving and giving accolades to the ones that DO?
If you have known me for a long time, you know that I love love love “giving people their flowers.” Love it. I mean… I have spent decades of practicing it. If I’m mentioning someone on social media, it’s overwhelmingly the case that I’m giving them an accolade or acknowledgment. I think that I learned this when I was young. I learned how fragile life could be and I made a decision that I never wanted to leave anything that I felt about a person “unsaid”. Life is too short. People can go their whole life without hearing how rad they really are, and I always thought that was sad.
Matter of fact, I got inspired to write this article out of a deep appreciation for my friend who had a birthday this week. I was going to do post something for her on her birthday but A) I’ve been in so much pain this week it’s been dumb B) I wanted a few days to collect my thoughts on this larger concept… which, I knew she’d love even more than a birthday shout out. Lol.
Happy birthday to my friend Rachel Blau. We don’t have any pictures together, so according to social media, it might be hard to believe that you are one of my best friends, but it’s true. Matter of fact, the reason we don’t have any pics together is because most of our relationship has been behind the scenes. I mean… you did do a fundraiser for me and did multiple dance videos for it, so I think people probably figured out that we were friends lol.
I was thinking about the typical Joel “birthday shout out post” and I was going to start it something like: There are so many ways that I could be thankful for you. The ways you’ve raised funds to help me in this season, the random check-ins, our weekly call/zoom, the ways you’ve encouraged me and affirmed SHARE. But… today, for your birthday, I want to thank you for what you've done for YOU in the time that we’ve known each other. You and I connected quick and we stopped the small talk quick. Pretty early on, I realized that you were a deeply empathetic person. Finding empathy in a person is like finding rare gems … their value to the world exponentially increases. I’m not the first to see how valuable you were and when we met, you were navigating how to maintain empathy AND still have enough Rachel left over for you.
That’s your birthday affirmation, today. You, my friend, have come so far. You have learned how to care for yourself so well that it’s expanded your capacity to care (which I never thought possible.) That’s what’s been so impactful to me. Seeing you grow with boundaries and awareness and still make it out with deep love and compassion and conviction and care for others… honestly, for a fellow empath dreamer like me… it’s inspirational. I used to think that setting limits, limited you… and I still don’t like the word “boundaries” because I’ve watched it become a Christian code word for “not getting your hands too dirty” but… seeing you work on you by dialing into what drains you vs what fills you and decisively perusing your mental health, your love of Jesus and your PEOPLE… is why you deserve a special shout-out this year for your bday.
Happy birthday sis. Looking forward to building SHARE. with you AND the thing that we talked about last night that I don’t know if you want me SHAREing yet. It’s gonna be so good. So many lives will change. So much Jesus table flipping will happen. So much Jesus weeping too.
That’s what I WOULD have said… if I did a birthday post for my friend Rachel on her birthday. Lol. Instead she gets a feature in the Newsletter. Ha!
But here’s the point… I have to flex my appreciation muscle in order to keep it strong. Just like anything, if I don’t practice it, it gets rusty. Also, if you aren’t looking and focusing and celebrating the people that are WITH you… the natural inclination will be to see who is NOT there.
And I get it.
It can go from very busy to very lonely in a relatively short amount of time when you’re in the thick of it. I’ve said it before, there are a myriad of reasons why. There’s also something inside of us that gravitates towards that narrative. I know, because it can consume my thoughts sometimes. I also know because I can post a rant and get 100 engagements but post a celebration of someone and get 10. Lol.
Social media is an encourager of victim mentality.
What if we reclaimed that space for our own happiness, joy and peace? How can we get there?
Hint hint. Reread the title.
That’s your starting point. Instead of looking far and wide and seeing who’s gone… look close and near and see who never left. OR.. like it’s been for me… look to see who draws near when your shit hits the fan. Maybe there are people that have entered your life recently in this season that were not there before. Honestly, it doesn’t matter where you find em… could be someone you meet in rehab or physical therapy or at a bar. Who knows? It could be your kid/s. Maybe you rediscover your partner or spouse in a different way in that season.
Make sure you also thank God directly for each of these scenarios. He knew what you needed. He knew who you needed. And He knew who you didn’t.
Side note: You know… you might have needed to start a new relationship with yourSELF in your season. You might need to be who you are grateful for. I know I am and have been.
Now for something you don’t wanna hear. All the people that leave haven’t lost love for you. It feels that way. It seems that way. But it just isn’t the truth. I got family that loves me through every molecule of their body that has a hard time when I’M having a hard time. Like.. literally blood family lol. I know I call everyone brother and sister (and they are). Sometimes people who love you the most have a hard time see you suffer.
Either way, start small & personal and really SEE the people who stick with you. Here’s what you’ll notice. The 50 people that seem “gone” are easily compensated for, with the one who you learn to be ride or die. Share that with them. Tell them why you appreciate them and how you appreciate them. This does something deeper inside of both parties.
When we appreciate those who walk with us in the storm, it:
proves that we are not alone
gives us an example of how we can walk with others in the future
opens our eyes to the light that’s around us versus staying in the dark
Helps remove the shame we can feel when we need help
When we SHARE our appreciation for others it:
let’s people know that they are not taken for granted
affirms the behavior of being empathetic, vulnerable and lending your strength to others
makes people feel good
promotes accountability and strengthens relationships.
There are very few things that that benefit the giver and the receiver. SHAREing is one of em. It forces us to contemplate where our blessings are in the bruises and how our bruises always end up being blessings. It encourages us to be vulnerable and human and connective in our community. No matter how big or small you’ve come to see yours.
I’m part of your community… if you are reading this, you are not alone because I’ll get on the phone with you today, if you need me. Or tomorrow… or whenever.
The last thing I’ll leave you with is a spoiler alert.
Once your shift your perspective to gratitude… once you shift your gratitude towards the core of people that God has placed around you… once you’ve begun to stumble out of the cave and see the light… you’ll probably be surprised at how much good you see.
I’ve been floored by the generosity of people who have supported me through this last season. Financially or through prayer or however… but let me tell you, when your whole world gets flipped upside down, and stays that way… and then flips again… and then grief… and then pain and now another surgery… listen… I NEED to remember my core people because sometimes I don’t know which way is up. Sometimes it’s too much. Sometimes I need to REMEMBER.
My mom has helped me remember.
Rachel has helped me remember.
Jodie has helped me remember.
Hannah has helped me remember.
Diana has helped me remember.
Antoinette has helped me remember.
Monica has helped me remember.
(This list is in no particular order except my mom is at the top of the list for sure. Lol)
There are SO MANY more people that I can think of that have helped me remember. There are more and more people that have dropped blessings on me or sent me a message with perfect timing. Just writing that short list has made me remember blessings that I’ve forgotten. Not because I didn’t appreciate it but because “overwhelmed” and “getting your ass handed to you” isn’t the most conducive to remembering your blessings. And that’s the point! Lol.
I’d argue that negativity is not more contagious than positivity …. it’s just more readily accessible.
Find and focus on what’s positive.
Remember who’s close. Remember who is FOR you. Start from there.
Ultimately it’s not about who doesn’t make it through the storm with you… it’s about who does.