It’s time for an update! I’ve been wanting to do this and dreading doing this (at the same time) for a long time. I have so many prayer warriors. 😭 🙏🏽 So many. And I am so so thankful. So many people from my mom’s Facebook page that have steadily held me and my family up in prayer … so many people that are following along as I have updated and prayed… so many people who I’ve never even met in person but that have grown deep relationships with over the years as I’ve navigated this season. Whether you are a person that has told me that you are praying or not, or a person that has supported me through this season in any way or if you are a person that has cheered from the sidelines, or even someone that’s seen the updates and had this strange confidence that “he’ll make it out of this season. I just know he will.” I appreciate it all. You have no idea. I’ll get into some of that in a bit but first up… the happy part of the update.
I realized that I needed to do an update because, the other day, someone who I see relatively often, admitted that he had forgotten that I was in a rough season. Even though I still use a cane to walk, he had no idea that was because of pain. Nah… it didn’t hurt my feelings at all, (even though, come to think of it, in the past, it might have) but as matter of fact, it was quite encouraging to me. He said that when a person shows up for others and serves and connects and engages with them, you don’t often think about the pain that they, themselves might be in. I think this is super important for us all to realize about anyone. If I’m being honest. My situation is a bit different, but so often we see the first one to jump in and help as the “ok” one… when a lot of the time, the more eager someone is to help, the more desperately they are in need of a sense of purpose… to help… them. I have definitely stepped back into service of others because it was also ME that needed it. But in this case, what it meant to me was that people weren’t looking at me through the lens of my limitations… but rather through the success of my service. Gosh, guys… let me tell you how much of a miracle that is to me.
First, though, I need you to understand that everything that I have been doing, has been by the grace of God. Since September of 2024, I have: served at 2 Alpha courses, written my first of many Bible study books that is available for purchase on Amazon, I’ve been in the word of God everyday, I’ve organized a weekly small group based on the biblical example of community building, I’ve walked with a dozen plus people through some really difficult things, I’ve stepped fully into ministry… and after God directed me towards “consistency”, I post daily scriptures, and messages on multiple @wehavetoshare channels to help share the word of God and to also deepen my knowledge, wisdom and passion for the Bible. The directions He’s given me in the last 9 months, the things He’s allowed me to see about my season, the connection that He has fostered…. It’s simply an Only God story… already. I am living out a story that only HE could have written. Yeah. A lot of it sucks. Still sucks. A lot of it is still very difficult to navigate and manage. But I think I can make an attempt to explain where we’re at in this season by sharing with you a vision that I got from God a couple years ago.
Well, first, let me say that I didn’t know that I would be sharing this vision with you yet. I thought this was going to be the grand finale of a season of suffering. A big tadaaa story. And who knows… maybe it will be. But, I have been compelled by the Spirit to share this with you right now. As it stands. A miracle in progress. So… here we go.
He showed my season like the life cycle of a butterfly. More specifically, the cocooning process. When He showed me it, I knew almost nothing extraordinary about the lifecycle of a butterfly. You probably have the same exact knowledge that I had. A caterpillar, a long worm lookin bug, walks on a bunch of legs, eats leaves all day. When I was a kid, the caterpillar was the one responsible for boring the holes in the apples in all of the coloring books. The nature of the caterpillar was one that was limited to crawling around on its belly from limb to limb, eating its way through life. I remember thinking, that with respect to what it would become, a beautiful fluttering butterfly, the caterpillar seemed limited in its capacity to defend itself from predators and even though it was cute in my ABC book… it was underwhelming, to look at, to say the least.
What I knew of the next process was pretty basic, as well. The caterpillar (for whatever reason) decided to hang from a leaf or branch and then it forms a cocoon around it and ultimately pops out as a butterfly. I just kind of assumed that its body segment became the middle of the butterfly and it went into the cocoon to grow wings. Then, when it emerges, it has changed. Now, all of a sudden, it knows how to fly. Now, it was able to reach even greater potential and demonstrate even greater beauty. I felt like it was a pretty simple metaphor for me to understand. Matter of fact, out of all the prayers I have prayed and failed to revisit… along with THIS vision came one of my most brutal and powerful reminders. Mind you… at the first receipt of this vision, I felt like I was already in the cocoon phase of my season. But I remembered praying a very very specific prayer a few years earlier.
“Less of me God. And more of you. Transform me from the inside out.” (Yes, there’s a popular worship song that says this as well as scripture to match)
I had no idea how literal the Lord was going to take that prayer. I had no idea how much MORE there was to that vision and the metaphor that I thought I understood. He was entering me into the metamorphosis phase and in His gracious nature, he gave me the beautiful vision of a butterfly being delivered from the cocoon, to hold onto. That vision has sustained me through dozens of procedures, insurmountable pain and now 7 major surgeries. When I have been able to remember the cocoon, I have been able to remember what comes next. The cracking of the cocoon. The emergence of a new thing. The spreading of wings to dry… moments before a formerly foreign way to move becomes manifested as an effortless flutter.
Hope. He showed me hope.
And as beautiful of an image as that was to see, both then and now, the reality was there was SO much more happening in that cocoon that I could ever have known.
I’ve studied the lifecycle of the butterfly and gosh… the cocoon is such a hard place to be. Both literally and figuratively. Not only does the caterpillar change in the cocoon… it completely ceases to exist. It begins its journey by attaching a thread of silk to the underside of a leaf or branch. The entire next process is held together by a thread of silk. I have thought numerous times over the years that I felt like I was holding on by a thread… the cocoon is literally doing just that. Tossed to and fro by the wind and the elements and tugged on by the growth and metamorphosis of the butterfly. That has come to represent the tangible strength and power of God, to me. If you ever watch a time-lapse of a butterfly developing in a cocoon, it looks like it is trying to come loose from the grip of the silk that connects it to the branch. Almost as if it’s fighting to pull away but the soft and simple power of God keeps it close. Keeps us close. As much as we resist Him and our own transformation.. He stays connected to us through it.
Then!! I started learning about what was going on INSIDE of the cocoon. Holy smokes. This is where I have had the hardest time with the metaphor AND it has also made the MOST sense. After connecting to the branch or leaf, the caterpillar begins to shed it’s exterior, which gives way to what’s called the chrysalis that forms the outside of the cocoon. The real work begins. The caterpillar begins to excrete an enzyme that completely melts and destroys the form that we once knew. Nothing survives this part of the process. Everything becomes new except the core DNA. New body, new legs, new head, new face. He makes all things new...and in doing so, He brings the insect into its most fulfilling and purposeful part of its life. This was where I began to understand that my prayer, for less of me, and more of Him, was happening in the darkness of my own cocooning season. Everything about me has changed…except the DNA of what my purpose was destined to be. Everything about my life in the past was the caterpillar headed to the cocoon. When I started praying those transformational prayers… transformation got the green light to begin.
Has it been what I expected? Well, no. It’s been much much worse than I ever could have imagined it being. Just being honest. But I would never change the way God has been changing me in this cocoon season.
Matter of fact, let me fill you in on exactly where I’m at physically on May 28th 2025. I had my 7th surgery on October 21st 2024 and it was a partial knee replacement. The surgeon admittedly “went conservative” with the decision to do a partial and not the full. Unfortunately, he probably should have replaced the full knee and let me get a clean slate at healing from that point forward. What it’s meant that he didn’t do the full, is that I am, unfortunately, still in a ton of pain. Daily. And with any increased activity through the knee, it can knock me down for days on end. My pain lives around a 6/7 out of 10 regularly but when I stand or sit for a long time, it escalates. Pretty severely. I try to cook every Sunday for me and Hannah to have a good meal for the week and every Monday is rough because of it.
Yes, I am trying to build up the social media and I’m writing when I can and I’m living out this ministry every single day in every way that I can. But the fact of the matter is, my health still isn’t stable enough to work. Last week, I did step ups at physical therapy… all I did was step up on a 6 inch platform 30 times…. And it nearly put me in the hospital. I had a friend point out that out of all of the ministry stories that I had shared with her, and even though she was empathizing with my pain and my desire to work, so much of the ministry stuff that I do wouldn’t be possible if I did, in fact, have a 9-5. And trust me. I love it. I’m not one to cite the numbers or the analytics around what I do in a week and who I walk with, and how it all makes sense to the Kingdom. But I am wealthy where it counts. Even though I still need prayer for provision. He always provides. He didn’t bring me all this way to forsake me. I know that.
I’m not a butterfly yet. But I’m also not perilously dangling from the ground expecting the thread to snap either. I haven’t been able to stretch my wings… but I can feel them in my back. I’m not fully out of the cocoon yet… but it’s cracked open and I can feel the breeze outside. I can smell the fresh air. I can anticipate the taste sweet of the pollen. I can begin to imagine what it will feel like to fly. For all of that, Lord, I thank you.
You know. While I was writing this piece in my head, I knew that I wanted to say “guys… it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, yet… but we’re on the way.” I’ve always used that analogy but today, I really thought about rainbows and butterflies within the context of this piece that I’m writing. I also cannot help but filter everything through what I learned in the Bible. Rainbows in the Bible represent the promises of God. In Genesis 9, God uses the rainbow to remind Himself and mankind of His commitment to our life on earth. It represents His mercy and faithfulness in our lives, through it all. And now, having had the benefit of reflecting on the butterfly for the last few years, I think the butterfly represents deep transformation into the version of us that God has intended for us to become. His plan is never for the caterpillar to stay a caterpillar. His plan is for it to transform into its greater and more purposeful self. The process is dark and scary and lonely sometimes. But as we also know from the lonely cocoon and from the lonely tomb… God tends to do His best and transformational work, in dark and difficult seasons.
I think I planned on going deep into the butterfly metaphor a bit later because it’s always more fun to look back at a difficult season and say “look what God did!” But instead, even though I’m not fully out of the cocoon yet, I get to report “look at what God is doing!“ Yeah, I cannot explain to you how low I have been in this season. I cannot explain to you how confused I’ve been when I do exactly what God tells me to do and yet I still end up struggling so much. I cannot tell you how discouraging it’s been to deal with pain on this level, to struggle this financially, to navigate a season with so little control. I may never be able to truly communicate how close to the edge that I have been in certain moments in this season. But it makes complete sense that a butterflies cocoon of transformation is held together by a thin thread. Because it is only by the grace of God that the thread didn’t pop and I didn’t fall further than I could recover from. God has been so good to me, even though I’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death.
As I wrap up this piece, I would love to invite you to follow what I’m up to on social media… Hopefully that’ll start helping. I would love for you to share this newsletter with people that you think it may help. And I am not above letting you guys know that financial support is still very much appreciated. I’ll leave links at the bottom to do so if you feel lead. Hannah is going to Loyola University and we’ve got dorm dues and we have a bunch to do to help her get situated, etc. Please keep praying for God to show me how to make ends meet. I really am just doing my best to follow His lead on everything and to do whatever He tells me to do. Pray for healing and pain relief.. believe it or not, I’m actually in a bunch of pain right now from physical therapy today but more and more, I can feel God beating back the pain to let my mind work. Pain has been shown to change neuropath ways which can damage a persons ability to think clearly and be creative. I have felt this and at times it’s hard to write, but to God be the glory… today… I’m writing… despite the pain.
I’m still expectant. The cocoon has been cracked. Pray for me as I push my way out and with God’s blessing, stretch my wings and begin to fly. I am confident in His promise.
🌈🦋
Joel
All the things!
Thank you again for all of the support!!
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