For my whole life, this scripture, in particular, has been very very difficult to navigate. It has felt like an impossible task, at times. It has felt like something I would never be able to truly accomplish… if I’m being honest. As I have done work in and through therapy, the goal line of “honoring my father” has felt closer, at times, and much further at others. If I’m being really, truly honest, this scripture, as I have wrestled with it, has felt like a sort of bondage or captivity, for my soul.
How God? How do I honor a man that has physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally abused me, my siblings, my mother, consistently over the course of my life? How do I say things that bring honor to a person who has never repented for any of it? How do I honor a person who has gaslit me any time that I’ve attempted to bring my grievance to them? How do I stop feeling the shame of not having honorable things to share about my father? I mean, it’s one half of the scripture. It has felt like something that was so hard to achieve for so long.
Until today.
I’ll tell you that the way I had navigated this commandment before today, was to just not talk about my father. I’ve mentioned him quickly and occasionally, before, but it always felt like this precarious dance around the subject. It felt like if I said too much about his abuse, that I would begin to dishonor him… and that felt like I was in violation of this commandment. I felt shame… for being abused.
Let’s frame this commandment in all of its importance and power. It is the fourth commandment. It didn’t just “make the list”. There are only 10 total commandments that were given to Moses during his 40 day and 40 night sabbatical on the mountain with God. The first few commandments highlight Gods relationship with Man. The first commandment is to not have “any other gods before” Him. The next few are to not create any other idols to worship other than him, to not take His name in vain, and to observe the sabbath, which was a time highlighted to preserve our relationship with Him as we rest in a rhythm of holiness with Him. All of these commandments revere and preserve our relationship with Him.
The VERY next thing He commands is the honoring of our parents. One can surmise that the order of importance to the honor of our parents is second ONLY to the reverence and respect we show God, himself. “Honor the parents” appears ABOVE, they shall not murder, or slander or covet… so the commandment itself feels pretty important.
And I believe it is. But I also do not believe that it means what we’ve come to understand of its meaning. I no longer believe that this commandment means that we should hide from our truth. I do not believe that God wants this commandment to evoke the shame of injustice as I believe it has come to be taught in our current Christian churches.
I do not believe that HONOR means to lie.
I do not believe that HONOR means to hide.
I do not believe that HONOR means to lie for.
I do not believe that HONOR means to cover for.
Instead, I believe that God has buried a freedom in this commandment very similar to the freedom he has planted within all of the commandments. I think it’s easy for us to grasp the concept that not killing someone not only physically maintains our own freedom because of governmental law and the rulings of the day, but it also keeps us free from the bondage of guilt that’s associated with taking a life. It’s a heavy and difficult weight that we would carry and it’s easy to understand why God wouldn’t want us to endure this burden. I believe that all of the commandments are made for the purpose of protection and freedom from pain, strife and burden. It took me a bit longer to understand that concept with the 4th commandment but I arrived there, today.
How?
Well, I’m glad you asked. I was in the holy place of deep spiritual meditation and I was performing the sanctified act of teeth brushing. Lol. I had just seen on Facebook that this news that Hannah had received last Friday had made ANOTHER appearance that was, this time, my Facebook newsfeed. It’s been 5 days since my daughter was awarded the All Conference MVP and Player of the Year award for volleyball. Almost every single day, since she got the award, last Friday, it has come up, in a different way to celebrate. When she got the award, she received a trophy and a hoodie with her name and number on it and we learned that this was something that she was nominated for by her coach, but that the other coaches and athletic directors in her conference actually had to vote for her to receive. Major news. Major award. Majorly proud of her. You could even say… honored.
As the days went by, so many little things came up. We reflected on how tough her season was. We reflected on how rough it was for her to continue on with the team. We talked about her college essay that I shared in another post (you can find that here). We reflected on her injury and the devastation we all felt around that season ending event and how hard that was to go through, at the time. We reflected on how she got this award even though she couldn’t finish the season and from the bench, how powerful her support of her team was.
Then Monday, she came home and told us how they had put the news of her award in the email to all the school and how they were announcing it on the intercom before and after school. Yesterday they sent it to the parents email and today, they put it on their Facebook. It has been cool to see how well they are honoring HER for her achievement and as I brushed my teeth this morning, I have this moment of epiphany. I flash back to the night before, as I shared the news of Hannah’s accomplishment with my Alpha group, one of the group members said to me, “Joel, that’s a reflection of how you’ve raised her.” I shrugged it off as I do often when compliments make me feel uncomfortable. I kinda swept it under the rug because, in my mind, this is a celebration of Hannah. Not of Joel or her mom.
But then, today, as if I was hit by lightning… it all came together.
We honor our mothers and fathers by the way we ACT in the WORLD as an example of God’s goodness and grace. NOT… just by the way we talk about our parents. It’s the way we carry ourselves in the world as a light in dark places that truly HONORs GOD and THEN our parents. Whether you deem them deserving of the credit of how you act in the world OR NOT… it’s not the point. The glory is always supposed to go to God. The honor is bestowed upon your earthly parents by how much influence they have in your development. You are always a child of God first, who has the opportunity to live in a way that extends the love and grace God into the world. This is the mechanism that someone can connect the way a child lives in the world by his/her example at home. If the parent is “honor-able” aka able to be honored… then the honor will flow to the parent. If the parent is NOT honorable, the actions of the child will still show the honor that the commandment requires… it just may not have the ability to land on the parent in holiness.
Honoring our mother and father is about US… in the world… as children of the most high God… and it can equally honor the parents, although, I do not believe it’s the sole purpose of this commandment , any longer.
If you step back and take a look at the commandments as a whole, they all follow this trend. They are ways that God is protecting us and steering us toward the free-est and most protected possible versions of our lives. Exactly like the way that we give our kids instructions and warnings in order to keep them from harm or steer them away from suffering. We do these things out of love. Just like our father in Heaven has. To live a life in a way that honors God in heaven, perpetuates honor here on earth and brings honor to you mother and father. Whether that’s your intention or not, it does. More importantly it’s yet another way to guide us for how we live our lives.
I used to feel as if this commandment was something that held me a bit captive. I didn’t feel like I could achieve this goal because of the pain I felt from this person. Even as I navigated forgiveness, it felt like a lie or a partial truth, to cherry pick the only few things I could come up with to report honorably. For years I just kinda lived by the old adage “if you ain’t got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But that felt like it stood in direct conflict with my calling to teach people to share their blessings and their bruises to connect with love and empathy. How could I share the truth and still remain in honor? How could I stay in righteousness while wading through the muck of abuse and neglect?
Well… today I realized that the way I honor my Father in heaven is the best way to honor my parents on earth. Just as I have said before, I am not the judge that will hold anyone in accountability at the end of the story. I’m just a person called to represent the love of Jesus here on earth. I’m just a dad called to train up a child in the way she should go and when she is old she will not depart from it (proverbs 22:6). When she does not depart from it… aka when she LIVES OUT the truths that have been instilled in her, then SHE brings honor to her father and her mother.
If you were like me and were raised with the mentality that this scripture is what you OWE to your parents… I want to release you from that shame induced narrative right now. If you have been the victim of abuse or negligence or molestation by a parent, I want to release you of the narrative that implies that you owe your parent some sort of unconditional respect, no matter what they’ve done to you. I want you to know that the God of the universe loves you dearly and tenderly and He would never require of you to draw close to an abuser or a perpetuator of trauma. He is not requiring you to keep abusers in your life. He has not commanded you to honor your mother and father in order to make you, your kids or your children’s children susceptible to further abuse. He is a good good Father. And as a good good Father, I believe He wants us to “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Prov. 4:23) Even honoring your mother and father. If you are like many in today’s world who come to find themselves at odds with your parents because of their political views or their stances on policies over people, I want you to know that honoring your mother and father does not mean you have to agree with them. It means that as you seek first the Kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33), He will reveal to you the ways in which you can “honor” from a distance.
When I had this revelation today, it felt like it is the kind of truth that breaks chains. I can think of the way that this scripture has made me feel shame in my own life. I can think of many people who have wrestled with this concept and felt as if it told them to allow abusers to continue to take up space in their lives. I don’t believe that the God of freedom wants this for you. I believe that this scripture has been pulled out of context, as so much of the Bible has been, to give manipulators an emotional stronghold over our lives. I rebuke that stronghold, in the name of Jesus.
I declare you FREE from the abusers and the narcissists and the manipulators.
I declare you FREE to walk in the love and honor of your Father in Heaven.
I declare you FREE to honor your father and your mother from a safe distance, if you need to.
I declare you FREE to forgive the trauma that has been inflicted on you and for you to heal in your own time and space.
I declare you FREE, in the Name of Jesus to live an honorable life and instill that honor into your children so that one day that same honor can reflect your holy and honorable influence in their lives.
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