Hi guys!
I’m excited to have my dear friend, Rachel Blau, on this week discussing something I think she’s incredibly gifted at “Sitting With People”. I have learned so much from her about how to walk and sit with people who are going through difficult times in their life and I’m happy to SHARE this piece that she wrote with you. You can read it and/or listen to her read it on the podcast! Don’t forget to like and SHARE this podcast so that we can “teach people how to SHARE their blessings and their bruises to connect with love and empathy”.
Enjoy!
“Sitting With People” - Rachel Blau
A quick about me, I grew up in the northwest suburbs of Chicago. I was raised Christian, but have gone through some recent deconstruction of my faith in the last few years. I believe, praise, and rely heavily on God, but some of my rituals and church practices have changed.
As far as my life, I have life experience that includes chronic illness: I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 5. I have a bachelor’s degree in Fiction Writing (that I’m not using). I have been married and divorced. I have proximity to addiction. I have experience with grief and loss. I have worked over 10 years in a Finance job. And I’m currently in my 2nd year of graduate school to earn my Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health and Counseling. And I guess I like to share all of that because we all have varied lives. So I think experience can teach us things, and I guess I want to give you an idea of who I am. I met Joel at church, I’m sure we were working in the background at some event. I’ve worked on the cooking team, prayer team, small groups, I love people. That’s how Joel and I met each other and became friends. When he asked me to write about “how I sit with people,” I realized I wasn’t totally sure how to verbalize it. Honestly, it’s been a rocky road and I just keep adjusting my process each time.
My history of helping started with my family. Then I started doing it for friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. That method resulted in lots of burnout. I used to be a fixer. Tell me your problem and I will be your personal foot soldier in whatever battle you are in. Y’all, this is never sustainable. It will crush you. It crushed me many times. It should not be a surprise to anyone listening, that I am an Enneagram 2, I’m a helper. My unhealthy attempts taught me a lot of ways I should not sit with people, and that's how I improved. Those methods were harming me, maybe I was helping people or fixing things, but I was walking away more damaged. Today my process is based on my needs, my wants, my gifts, and my availability. And that’s why I’m able to do it better now.
Anytime I sit with people or reach out, my goal is to just let them know they are loved and that I am thinking about them. That I’m glad they exist. I try to avoid asking for a report or a check-in, because that feels like I’m requiring or asking them to do work. I just want them to feel that they are beloved as they are in the current moment we are meeting/interacting. This takeaway became clear to me after I did lots of therapy and self work. During this process I was able to identify my personal values (kindness and inclusion). Once I was able to define this, it became easier for me to show up wherever I am, in the moment. Like I can adapt, act, think, and pray with these values and goals in mind. I highly recommend you Google values. I know that Brene Brown has a worksheet where you can go through and figure out what your values are. Doing that really helped me clarify my gifts, my skills, and what makes me feel good. And that just made not only helping people easier, but frankly the way I show up in all my different hats in life as a student, as a worker, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter. Keeping those values in my back pocket just helps me be “me” better. I highly recommend doing value work.
Some of the reasons I can sit with people is how I was made. Who I am as a person. One of my spiritual gifts is shepherding. I like organizing and coming around people, and sending love. Taking action so that people feel how much I am loved. And this was present in my fixer days when I was doing this in an unhealthy way. This is something I’ve always been drawn to. I receive direction through people God assigns to me. This can look like listening to a coworker or friend vent something heavy. Or an uber driver, who just wants to share a story. Or my customers who want to tell me about a miracle that happened in their life. Or someone in the prayer hall asking for prayer. Or someone who is hungry and looking for something to eat. God plants them in front of me. Or other times God puts them into my mind. On a daily basis, I probably cycle through thousands of thoughts. These thoughts are based on the input throughout my day. These can be songs, phone calls, social media, texts, reading something, or even just random memories. These things always lead me to a memory of a person. They never seem planned or linked, but I can tell you that every day God puts a person on my heart and mind and when that happens I reach out to them in whatever way I know how. This can mean in-person, a text, or a video, or a phone call, or a social media communication.
This process often feels silly to me sometimes. The people that come into my head might be someone who I haven't thought of or talked to in years. But I remember that it’s just a blip. Like a 2 minute act that might get nothing in return. And if so, I’m really not out that much. Other times people respond, with disbelief or relief. “I don’t know how you knew to reach out, but I’m so glad you did. You have know idea what I’ve been carrying.” And sometimes they tell me, and other times they don’t. I’m more or less just staying focused on the delivery of my two minute blips.What comes next is based on what I have available to give.
Now my method is just listening. Without judgment. And still deliver the message that I am so glad you are here. I am so glad you told me that hard thing. It sucks. I love you. I say I love you A LOT.
Over the years I’ve released a lot of ownership of the problem and the fixing. This is God’s detailed work and provision. I refuse to even take credit for these things. But it is AWESOME to witness it. When I see the ways God times, connects, and alters the finite details of my own life and other peoples. It reminds me that I could not even moonlight in that arena. It still takes practice though.
When fear gets loud my old fix-it tendencies tend to kick in. I need to tell myself to stop. Prayer and meditation and my own therapist help me process this out so that my responsibility is smaller. More deliverable. Just Blips.
I know that the more time I spend reflecting/working with my values, the happier I am. This means the more blips I can spend time delivering, the better I feel! This feels like tapping into unconditional love. It’s magic. It’s Holy. It’s ordered for me to complete. It is my purpose. And it’s way lighter to carry. Being a savior is not my job. That can be Jesus’ thing. In the meantime, I’ll just reflect my values of kindness and inclusivity in my assigned blips.
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"Sitting With People"