Ok. Today I’m going to aim for the heart of this entire project. This Newsletter/Blog/Organized And Scheduled Ramble… is designed for ME to SHARE (at this stage) and for YOU to hopefully be inspired to SHARE. My mission, is to “Teach people to share their blessings and their bruises to connect to each other with Love and Empathy. Honestly… this is my purpose on earth. That seems clear to me because God has juxtaposed soooooo many situations and experiences into my life. So many things that should have destroyed me, made me soft hearted. So many things that should have made me angry… did… for awhile… but then I had to journey through true forgiveness at the greatest level of betrayal.
I’m free.
Not frustration-less. Not stress-less. Not depression-less. But I’m free.
Even my words read as a paradox, but to me they make so much sense. Everything. Everything. Everything. That I’ve gone through in my life… including the worse season I’ve ever been through (currently) … EVERYTHING … has been for not only MY good… but for the good of those who I do relationship with. At all levels.
I mean… that’s a bold statement… but… it true. Everything that God has done to groom me has prepared me through this storm and even though a lot of you act like you aren’t listening or paying attention, I know you are. Even when my posts read like a train wrecking in slow motion. I’ve already started on the internal work it’s gonna take to heat “I knew you were going to make it through this storm. I never doubted it for a minute” from people who might never even have prayed for me. Or said “hang in there champ, we’re rootin’ for ya”.
Suffering is so complicated and it brings up so much inside us. Sometimes we don’t want to get too close because it’s too messy… sometimes it breaks OUR hearts too much, to see someone you care for hurt so badly. Sometimes we feel helpless. Sometimes it reminds us of our own demons. Sometimes we just have TOO much of our own shit to handle to be bothered with stepping into someone else’s.
I can feel my heart hurting. Even as I type these thoughts out. I’ve put the blinders on too. That’s why I don’t judge. That’s why “I get it”. To be honest.
There’s a lot here and I’m exploring it from the most interesting perspective ever. The conscious sufferer. Lol. I have days where the physical pain is so bad, that I cry. More days than I’d like to admit…. actually. I have days where I am so discouraged, that I cry. I have days where I am so emotionally exhausted, that I cry. Then I have days like today… where it’s all of the above. And I cry.
But… then… I tell you about it. Because even through my wrecked-ness, something still says: share. Something still reminds me that my purpose doesn’t only exist on sunny days… or in the summer season. My purpose is year-round.
Your purpose in life isn’t seasonal.
I’ll say that again…
YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE IS NOTSN’T SEASONAL.
It endures seasons. It experiences season. Context is added through the season. But your purpose isn’t seasonal.
This week, I was talking with Hannah… (I think I’m just gonna start recording some of our casual conversations with my phone because they are SO incredible sometimes.)
Anyway, when I’m feeling off, and I know that it’ll be evident to my kid, I like to give her a heads up. I try to be candid with my struggle with her, to a point… so that she knows that she has permission to “not be ok”. I want her to know that she can SHARE with her dad… so… what do I do? I go first. I share so that she knows that she has a safe space. One where she can share. One where she can depend on to be non-judge mental. I share so that she doesn’t have to hide her bad days… or low days… or painful days.
I felt quiet and “off” from my silly self. So I shared with her some of the reasons why. I let her know that I was concerned for my friend Sarah with Covid after she just finished chemo and radiation. I shared how our friend Anto is going through so much grief because the boy she nanny’s for took his life. I shared that my friends father had passed that morning. Actually this was right after I had written my newsletter for last Sunday, where I called the “audible for prayer”. I felt deep emotions for my friends and for these families and for so much pain that they were going through. I explained to her that I was “in a lot of pain and I’m walking with a lot of people in pain, right now, too. That’s why I’m a little more quiet today.”
And then… the question that I’ve been mulling over since that day….
“Dad, how do you do that?”
What, hun?
“I mean… you are in so much pain everyday. And you have so much going on yourself, but I always hear you talking about others and to others about what they are going through… how do you do that? When you have so much happening to you?”
It kinda felt like I had been emotionally T-boned… but in a good way. Like, I was just trying to be honest and open with my kid, and she made the most honest and open and curious and wise and empathetic observation that I’ve ever heard.
You ever get caught doing the right thing?
I used security cameras at all the venues that I’ve run. I didn’t care if it was a small bar or restaurant or huge nightclub. CCTV cameras were always a huge resource for me. Money and alcohol make people do weird things, but you know how I’d gently remind people that they were being watched? I caught them doing the right thing. And gave them a shoutout. If I saw a bartender bangin’ out drinks while they were 3 or /4 rows deep with customers and they still had a smile on their face. I’d compliment them on that. I’d try to catch more people doing the right thing than I ever would trying to catch them doing the wrong thing. The point is… I was always watching. Or the owners were. But… someone was always watching.
MLK Day just passed and this is one of my favorite quotes:
You know what else it’s always reminded me of? The idea that what we do behind close doors, when no one is watching, says a lot about us and our character.
I could NOT shake my kid’s question. Two days later, I talked about ONLY that question in therapy. This is two days since therapy and it’s the subject of this weeks Newsletter. (I still promise to post the article I wrote about my experience with Covid, soon, promise.)
You know what I’ve surmised from nearly a week of contemplating that simple question from my kid?
I’m so freakin proud…of me. And I don’t say that about myself enough. I see all my shortcomings and failures and I live in the mind of the person who is full of screw-ups and mistakes… and I’m really hard on myself… and through all that baggage that I choose to tote around everyday, the question/observation that my CHILD makes about her FATHER is that he suffers… but still figures out how to walk with people who are having a hard time too.
And she WANTS to KNOW more. She wants to know how to do that. She wants to know what the recipe is for not crumbling to bits and pieces over your own devastation and to still find the space and presence of mind to show-up for people at the same time.
I’m so freakin’ proud of me.
And you know what the funniest thing is?
My answer to her. In that moment. Had nothing to do with me. What-so-ever.
“That’s an incredible question babe. That shows me a lot about you. Shows me that you are paying attention and gathering parts of the equation that you know and understand and you are figuring out what you can identify as the answer, and you are identifying the unknowns. Just like algebra, you are asking about the unknown. The “how” is the variable. I pray a lot, Hannah. Like. A lot a lot a lot. And I don’t just stop and get on my knees or close my eyes… I’ll ask God while I’m in the middle of writing a text, how I should finish it. If I hear some news that breaks my heart and there’s nothing I can say, I ask God what to say. Sometimes He gives me words or a scripture. Sometimes He gives me nothing and I tell the person that I have no words. Sometimes a person will just pop in my head and I’ve been practicing at simply texting them… when they cross my mind. But the number one way that I’m able to walk with others, while I’m going through hard stuff… is I know that I can’t solve ANY of it. But He can. And my job isn’t to fix anything for anyone, it’s just to point them to the one who CAN. You know? So their burden, isn’t MY burden because MY burden isn’t even MY burden.”
I’m proud of that, guys. I’m proud that I know that none of this is mine to fix. I’m proud that my daughter is like a CCTV camera and she caught me doing something right. Even if she didn’t know it.
I’ve always said that this ministry was for one person at a time. I’m sure it’ll grow and it’ll be consumed by more that one person at a time, in the future. But as for my focus… I always want it to to be for one person at a time. I want to teach people to share their blessings and their bruises to connect with each other with love and empathy.
My kid caught me with my hand in THAT cookie jar this week. I could be more thankful right now.
___
I wrote this and then took some time to explore what I wanted to leave you with. Sometimes I think I have to do a better job closing with a contribution to my audience. Sometimes I just need to write and be done. Many times it’s me that needed to explore and learn the lesson…
Look at me… I reflect on how I reflect. The heck is wrong with me. Anyway...
Here are 3 things for YOU to take with you:
You have permission to be proud of yourself. Matter of fact, no matter what season you are in, you should TRY to find what you are proud of youself for. Listen. This one is pretty easy “when the going is good” and really really difficult to do, when the "going gets tough". Have humility in the high seon and confidence in the low.
Someone is ALWAYS watching but them watching is not nearly as important as your pride in who you are behind closed doors. Affirmations are great but dont YOU want to be proud of YOU? Do the right thing... always. Practice that. Always.
Pray. I cannot stress this enough. It's a concept so important that, in the Bible, one of the only ways that Jesus refers to the "house of God" here on earth, is for it to be a house of PRAYER. (Matthew 21:13) He KNOWS that we need that connection and constant conversation with our Dad in Heaven. It is an open invitation AND the only way for us to navigate the troubles of the world.
Thank you for reading… thank you for supporting me in this project. I hope it’s blessing to at least ONE person out there.
Hey there! Thank you SO much for being on this journey with me…
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I'm So Freakin' Proud of Me