Mar 20 • 19M

I almost forced it...

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1:07pm CST - 3.20.22

I almost forced it y’all. Honestly, I got so fired up about this week’s topic that I almost forced the episode and I was about to ship later today, even though I was not going to make the 3pm deadline. I almost forced it.

Now, I want to be clear about something. I could have delivered something that you would have read and/or listened to and probably enjoyed. I DO have enough of the meat of this topic to publish something. That’s where I think I got a little ahead of myself. I’ve been studying “Peace Versus Apathy” and it’s been SUCH a treasure trove for me. I always want these posts to be something that helps to “teach people to share their blessings and bruises to connect with love and empathy”… right? Well, if it ain’t done teaching ME… I ain’t allowed to teach it, you dig?

This topic is bringing more and more revelation about relationships that I’ve had, about my tendency to cut things out of my life versus process them and heal from them. I need more time with this topic. I need to do more research. I need to post this when I’ve been taught. But I almost forced it!!

I was going to publish it today. This week, a friend asked me what “my goals were for the weekend”. I had some, but I was embarrassed by how stupid they sounded. Honestly. I was in a ton of pain and pain makes the immediate goal for you “STOP FEELING PAIN”. Haha… but I still listed my couple/few things that I wanted to do. Clean(ish) the kitchen, do laundry, fill up my water bottles… obviously, publish my weekly newsletter is on that list.

I think what I did, though, was I went back into “Joel Mode”. I’ve made several “lists of things to do” since this conversation and it was only a couple days ago.

I’m a DOer. I gotta be careful of the “DOer” Joel. That guy can get a little bit out of control, to be honest. Matter of fact, If I’m being completely honest, this season… Has felt the MOST like it was trying to teach me to be gentle with myself and to be better at relying on “God to handle it”.

It’s SO not Joel. I used to say that I was able to “create money out of thin air” and I kinda could. Working in the service industry all my life, I’ve been in a lot of weird financial situations and I’ve always been able to pick up a shift, get a client, book a gig… somethin.

This season has humbled that ego. This season has made it so clear that I need other people, it’s taught me how to accept help, it’s taught me to listen to my body, it’s taught me to be GENTLE with Joel.

The lists are good because I forget a lot of things these days. Listen… these drugs are wild. lol. But the lists… the DOer… the goals… the deadlines…. they all come second to me being healthy and me doing my best to take care of myself.

I think this is the post I’m supposed to publish today because I think this is a really hard concept for most of us.

The other day, my buddy told me that he had his own business, that he had a 40 hour a week job AND that he had a part-time gig. The first thing I did (besides feel a little jealous that he could actually work that much…physically, lol) was to say something applauding his “hustle”. I think my exact words were ‘Ok Hustla… I see you!’

What? Even I fall into that trap. I know that my buddy deals with depression and anxiety and mental health issues too… and I’m sitting here egging him on for killing himself with work?! What the heck is wrong with me? Why is this so NORMAL for us?

Don’t worry… I caught it and walked it back, QUICK! He’d ultimately confess that he was in a place of discernment about the value and impact of working so much to his mental health.

I have another couple buddies that are making bank doing a job that takes them all over the state … and they hate it. Love the money… obviously… but it’s taking a toll on their life. I won’t be happier than when they tell me that they have found something that makes them happy to go to work AND it pays the bills.

I was awake at 4am, this morning, writing. All I could think about was failing at delivering by 3pm. That’s how I eventually passed out… anticipating failing. Angry that my week had so much BS that I didn’t have more time to work on my passion project.

I almost forced it… I was going to ship the newsletter later tonight. I knew I needed at least 5 more hours… wait… is this a book? Is this supposed to be something I work on “alongside of” this newsletter?

And then my kid walked in the room. “Dad, later today, after you finish recording your podcast, can we go outside?”

Go outside…

It’s her spring break. I haven’t thought of anything to do with her because all I can think about lately is April rent. She wants to “GO OUTSIDE” and All I’m thinking about in all of my Joel-ness is how I can DO something that’s probably not supposed to even be DONE today.

In that moment, I felt like I got a new agenda. Tell people that you almost forced it, make sure they are looking for the places in their own lives where they are “forcing it”, then go outside… with your kid… and let her show you all the things that she’s learned while managing the boy’s volleyball team at school. Go sit your gimpy fat ass in the grass for a little while on this 60 degree day. Enjoy it. Go do THAT.

“Peace versus Apathy” not only WILL wait, it SHOULD wait….

But you were gonna force it.

Phew… I’m glad I didn’t.

Peace and Love people. Be gentle with yourself… don’t force it. I promise… it’s better if you don’t.

-jdb


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