Day 4
It’s actually day 4 this time. I didn’t write it record this one a day in advance. I kept lookin around yesterday like … “nothin? Nothin you want me to get fired up about today, God?”
Damnit. Lol
It’s fun being fired up.
Passionate.
Fired up.
Motivated.
Encouraged.
MotivatING!!
EncoragING!!
But not in the last 24 hours for me. Pain has been crazy. It’s not Emergency Room crazy but it’s “can’t think” crazy. For sure.
Matter of fact, every night, after being so “on it” for the podcast / newsletter, has been rough. Recording puts me in my chair more. More seat time = more pain. And it’s totally worth it, but I have definitely paid the price for it.
It’s been a week and a half since my last surgery so let’s get into a little update action.
I’m going to do a check in I learned at church. Maybe it’ll be something that you haven’t heard before and that can be your positive takeaway.
It’s a check in called P.I.E.S.
Physically
Intellectually
Emotionally
Spiritually
I figured I’d do this check in style because it’ll only get better as I go on. But the physical check in might suck a little.
Physically - I’m still hurtin. As I mentioned. BUT… I DO think that my last surgery worked. There as always been a pressure point inside my knee that’s kept me from fully extending my leg and weight bearing. Let’s say that pressure point was 2.5 inches across before the surgery. I think that pressure point is more like an inch across now. Much much better… but not fully eliminated yet. The weight bearing and walking mechanic should (hopefully) improve as I get back to physical training. We’re hoping that gets approved soon. So far, it has not.
All that sounds pretty good, but that’s only about half of my current issue. I did a neuroconnectivity test a few months ago (probably 6+ months ago, at this point) and it showed that based on my altered walking pattern that I’ve had for 3 years now… there has been some severe nerve damage in the nerve branch coming from my lower back. It’s the same nerve cluster that houses the sciatic nerve. It runs through my left butt cheek, under my left sit bone (some people call it the butt bone), through my hip, side of my leg, through my knee, and all the way down to my foot. THAT whole tract is inflamed. Any time I sit… I’m literally adding up time that I’ll be in pain. I sit for 45 mins to do somethin, I’m gonna suffer for 2/3 hours. 2/3 hours seated… forget about it for the rest of the night.
The pain feels like I’m being cut with a knife that’s 1000 degrees. Sometimes it feels like fires pulsing in my lower back. Sometimes I can feel my heartbeat in the nerve pain pulses. It’s wild.
I mentioned that I quit taking the lyrica and cymbalta and all those daily pain meds because they were doing some messed up things to my mind. And… I have been trying not to take any opioids during this writing project because I think they make me a bit more scatterbrained than I like to be when I write.
Intellectually!!
Look Ma!! I’m writing again!! Haha. I feel pretty good intellectually. I’ve been overwhelmed by a few things lately but I feel as if I can slowly but surely figure them out. I feel like I’m getting my brain back. Not as fast as I want… but it’s getting there. Let’s try to quantify it…
On the pain drugs… I probably operated at about 25% or less of my normal, day to day, intellect. Crazy part about those drugs is, you don’t even realize it. It’s like you are in a haze or a fog. Unable to connect thoughts… and then by the time you do, you forget what you needed to connect the thoughts for.
Now… I’d say I’m operating at about 80% when the pain is lower (6/10 pain rating). It kinda drops a point as the pain increases.
70% = 7/10
60% = 8/10
And anything 9/10 or above is ER visit where they drug me to sleep.
So that’s where I am intellectually. I think. Lol
EMOTIONALLY
damn I thought this was gonna be a crescendo all the way up to spiritually, but here we go.
Emotionally I’m exhausted. Honestly. But there are a lot of highs and a lot of lows here.
The lows - I’m lonely. I spend almost everyday inside because I can’t afford to do anything and if I did have the money to do something, it literally hurts to do most things. Especially since I can’t really sit. It would be worth it to go sit at a coffee shop with a friend or have lunch… but I gotta emotionally prepare for the fact that I’m probably gonna suffer pretty bad that night.
Emotionally it’s stressful not knowing how everything’s gonna get paid every month. I know it will… somehow… but peace is more elusive than I hope for it to be, sometimes.
Also emotionally, my heart is so full about so much.
It’s the greatest joy in my life to be Hannah’s dad.
I rejoice in the everyday impossibilities that I get to see God do, in me, through me, for me, for others… it’s CRAZY encouraging to me.
I have hope. It never runs out. I am thankful. My eyes get teary just thinking about how blessed I am.
Perfect Segway to SPIRITUALLY
I’m so good spiritually. Oh man. One thing that I can tell you about being on all the pain meds… they won’t let you cry. They would NOT let me get teary eyed … good or bad. My spirit is tender and comforting and warm and full. I wasn’t able to really feel any of that for awhile.
I started watching the series Chosen. I’m on season 2. It’s the crowd funded full production version of the New Testament in the Bible. Last night, I’m squirming in pain in bed, watching this… and I’m watching this scene where the disciples are quarreling about something and Jesus had been on the other side of the camp healing people non-stop for nearly a full day. Jesus stumbles back into camp, physically and emotionally and intellectually EXHAUSTED.
They are all talking about dumb shit and here comes God… in human form… wiped out physically. Writhing in pain. Because He spent His time with the people that needed Him. Needed to be seen. To be healed. To be loved.
And I wept. I’m blinking away the tears even now because that imagery was so powerful to me. He could have waved His hand over the crowd and all of them would have been healed and He never would have even missed breakfast.
But He sits. With each of us. Spends time with each of us. He listens. He answers. Each of us.
Every time.
So yeah… spiritually, I’m good. I’m really really really good. And I’m seen. And I’m heard. And I’m loved. And I’m healed. And I’m Chosen.
Lol… I dreaded starting this post today… now look… I’m tenderized again.
See y’all tomorrow.
(if you only read… thank you for reading this far! There ARE off the page comments and remarks and prayers that are included in the recorded version today! Just wanted to make sure you didn’t miss them!)
Thank you for listening/supporting/SHAREing the podcast.
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A lot of y’all been askin for a check in - here we go!