w•REST•le
I owe y’all part 2 of the Pursuit of Prayer.
Last week we talked about HOW and WHO we ask to pray for us. The goal was to encourage YOU to seek prayer when it’s necessary. Hopefully the bar was lowered for WHEN we request it. My story was about how discouraged I was and how the request and receipt of prayer completely changed the outcome. I’ve completed 2 MORE THAN FULL weeks of home physical therapy at this point. Trajectory was completely changed because of the request for someone else to ask God “on my behalf” for encouragement and mental healing in those hard moments.
I’ve written 2 other pieces this week along with part 2 of the Pursuit of Prayer … but I kept trying to get a bead on what God wanted me to publish this week and I just kept feeling “Exhausted”. I’m freakin exhausted y’all. This week I’ve written, I’ve prayed, I’ve SHAREapy’d, I’ve Physical Therapy’d, I’ve lost a potential client, I’ve fought off 4 (FOUR) pain flares, paid a few over due bills, been on and off phone calls and e-mails with lawyers, doctors, physicians assistants, nurse case managers…
You what I did? I made a mistake.
My mom paid my rent for May. Today. May 1st. Covered. Honestly it’s probably the 1st rent payment I haven’t had to completely stress about in a year and a half. Ma, to you… thank you. So much. This next part is not your fault, it’s mine. Ok? Just wanna let you know that I KNOW that you did not intend for me to do this next part.
My mom said “I just wanted you to have a month where you don’t have to stress out about it.”
And… instead of rest in that provision… I kicked myself into overdrive. I’ve stressed more about trying to make sure I don’t need help MORE in the last few weeks than I have in awhile.
I gotta be more transparent. I don’t wanna be… but I’m called to be.
I was talking to her about taking the job that I was in when I got hurt. I took a job that I knew wasn’t going to pay my bills because I knew that it was time that I submitted to my calling into ministry. I knew it was time to fully transition out of nightclub life and into ministry life. To put that in perspective… I went from making my rent in a week (3/4 shifts actually) to not making my rent in a 2 week paycheck.
Being transparent… I didn’t really care about the money, I cared more that I’d still have to have a second job when I transitioned. My goal was to STOP working Monday nights at my local bar in order to cover my bills, but I couldn’t fully step OUT of my old life and into my new life. That drove me crazy. BUT… I was beyond thankful that I was still physically able to work a second job and throw a few events to cover my bills.
Before I got hurt I never had a problem getting money. Pick up a shift, throw an event, create a side business… I’m resourceful.
Crap. I’m writing a piece. My goal was to tell y’all I gotta rest this week and tell you a love y’all and I appreciate y’all and I’m out… but… here we are.
I feel like this flow is unraveling my spirit and somehow, it’s helping me to … rest.
…
“Your whole life you have been undervalued and underpaid for your worth.” - Ma
That statement. Ugh…. It broke my heart. A shame tsunami that you couldn’t even imagine hit me, and if I’m being completely honest, I’ve still been treading water from the receding waters of that shame tsunami since that day.
And it’s my fault Ma. Not yours. I promise. This is a difficult SHARE because my mom only meant that comment as an observation of the inability of others to properly see my value. I know that to be true because she’s had that opinion of pretty much all her kids. We’ve all brought way more to the table than we’ve been compensated for. Our whole lives. Of course a mothers opinion of her children is going to be high… but this statement wrecked me for 2 reasons.
1 - she’s right. I’ve never cared about money. Ever. I’ve always been more committed to purpose that I have been to payment. Honestly, that’s a badge of honor … until your mommy has to pay your rent.
2 - shame is my kryptonite. My mom intended the gift to take the pressure OFF of me… and my shame PILED insecurity and worthlessness ON. I shifted into “Joel you better fix it” mode. I felt so much shame that my decisions to commit to an inadequate salary were coming back to affect my mom and all the hard work she’s done in her life.
I need to continue to say this. Mommy. You are incredible and amazing and you are a Godsend to me in this season. The purpose of this piece is to finally REST in the blessing that you have given me… because until this point, I’d fallen into the shame trap. There is nothing you could/should/would do differently. The change needed to happen in ME. I just been wrestling too much. I should know better than this being 18 months in, right? But, clearly, I still have much more to grow.
Here’s where I am resting. Finally.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalms 23:1-6 NIV
I’m going to take a deep breath and rest. I’m going to lay down my shame and pick up my gratitude. I’m going to lay down my insecurities and pick up the provision of my Father (in heaven) and my Mother here on earth. And here’s how I am going to commit to it.
Hahaha…. You should have seen the look on my face when I just wrote that sentence. My whole body squirmed actually. My foot is twitching. I’m beating around the bush from spitting it out.
I’m going to give up on worrying about my bills. I’m going to rest in the words in Psalms 23:1. The Lord is my shepherd … I SHALL NOT WANT. In other words… if I believe that God is Good and He provides …. And this time it was my mom but other times it’s been other miracles. Truthfully I’ve been under water for 18 months and I haven’t drown yet. How??? Because God keeps showing up and providing. And this time…. It stung because my pride hurts. I’m supposed to be providing for my mommy… not my mom providing for me. But, not only is this not how the story ends…. I have to continue to maintain and refresh and review my own faith to continue to REST in the fact that God is handling ALL of the things that I need.
Maybe this is what you might hear or take away from my wRESTling …
REST is not passive. It is not hands off. It is a verb. A verb is an active word. Sometimes, to REST, you gotta wrestle.
You gotta wrestle the world to get some rest. You gotta fight the deadlines or the appointment or the IG version of the way you are supposed to be living your life. You gotta wrestle friends and family, sometimes, to get some rest. The expectations, the projections on what you should be or how many kids you should have by now.
You gotta wrestle YOU sometimes to get some rest. The insecurities or the shame or the purpose in your life…. They can come with significant pressure.
Don’t taint the moments of rest that God is blessing you with and make sure you wrestle for your own REST. You cannot sustain without rest. You cannot survive without rest.
Thank you Ma… thanks I’m gonna send this rent check in on time, today… and actually let myself rest.
Yes, rest.... you understood what I was saying and you are not the only child I have that has been undervalued and unappreciated. So no shame was intended. My children have good hearts and EXCELLENT work ethics, and people can take advantage. I know, because I have been there, done that. And now I see my children being taken for granted, I can't stay quiet. Lol that's a Mama Bear.....love you xoxoxo