This project IS a newsletter and as annoying as my news is, sometimes, I’m committed to reporting it. Trying to stay out if the shadows. Which is harder than it sounds, in a season like this.
Below is the quick post I posted on FB the other day:
“In my 30 years of practicing (sports medicine) I’ve never seen anything like this.”
“Let me guess, as soon as you got diagnosed with CRPS, they stopped looking at your knee function”
“I want them to try another shot in your knee for the pain, but I’m thinking it’s time for someone to go back in there and scope it to find out what we cannot see on these X-rays/MRIs.”
“You walked in here having to use crutches after a simple surgery 15 months ago… this is ridiculous.”
“This has changed you whole life.”
These are some of the quotes from the Independent Medical Examiner, today.
Even though all of those observations are true… and help affirm that I’m not insane and for the last 15 months what I’ve been saying was the truth all along (that there’s something mechanically WRONG with my knee)… please don’t think that I’m naive enough to think that this will lead to an easy road or a good report. I’m happy that he’s open minded to what I’ve been saying all along. I’m hopeful that I’ll have the recommendations listened to. I’m realistic that it’ll still be months before I have a FOURTH surgery. Then recovery. Then potentially a partial knee replacement after I recover from the scope.
What I keep finding out is that the road is still longer. And then longer. And then longer.
Normally I applaud a good listener. This guy wasn’t the best listener (lol) but I think I he was good at observing. Paying attention. Keeping an open mind. Not getting stuck in the same box that everyone else has put me in. That’s good. It’s a start. 15 months in… it’s a start. Hopefully.
I’m having a hard time, right now wrapping my head around the next stretch of this season and being put of work for another 6 months minimum and surgery again and recovery again and … I don’t know. I am so freakin optimistic all the time and I am right NOW even. I’m just dreading it. You know? Even though I’m a thousand percent confident in the outcome being used for good. I’m just exhausted.
Prayers! Keep ‘em comin. Lol.
You know, it took me a few days to recover from the exam and then Physical Therapy the next day. I was off. Physical therapy on Friday was really bad, too. We found another significant pain trigger and it’s been a rough second half of the week as well.
These are all the facts. No. I don’t wants them to be true, but they are. This week was largely disruptive, emotionally challenging, obviously it was physically challenging.
But I made it.
I didn’t have to go to the ER, which I thought I would. I tried to ask for prayer when I needed it. I tried to be proud of myself where I could, as well.
But I made it.
There are no more things going nuts this week than there were last week. And, if anything, I talked to a doctor that thinks my medical history is just as ridiculous as I do. It might mean 1 or 2 more surgeries. But today…. I have to just kinda handle TODAY.
What I’ve noticed is that pain prioritizes things really quickly. It creates an urgency around exactly & specifically what needs immediate attention.
I had 10/10 pain happen on Friday in PT. If you’ve never experienced pain so bad that NO other thought can enter your mind… be thankful. But as bad as that was, the pain pointed directly to the location in my knee that should be the X for next arthroscopic surgery. That pain revealed specifics about the health of my knee.
You ever pay attention to the parallel between physical pain and emotional pain? At least physical pain is clear and cut and dry… it says “THIS. This right here is the problem”. Emotional pain… grief… depression…. Most of the time it takes some time to even comprehend that you are in emotional pain. Often, we have the option to turn it off, or ignore it. I just want to help people make it a little clearer that they have to work on themselves and their hidden pain, the same way that I have to be diligent about this knee.
I know that if I don’t fight and push and continue to advocate for myself, my physical health story will never change. These doctors don’t care about me getting better. I’m part of the percentage of “cases that go bad”.
You think people don’t inadvertently write you off the same way if you don’t fight for your emotional health? They’ll just talk about you behind your back. Lol. “She’s nuts. He’s an asshole.”
You can make it. We can make it.
Sometimes it’s going to be a fight. Just take the fight as it comes. Handle one day at a time. There’s no need to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will handle itself. Pay attention to YOU today. Take care of YOU today.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Matthew 6:34 NIV
👏 👏 👏