She Killed Me… with Kindness

I don’t believe this is going to be an elaborate piece but I wanted to write it, even thought its pretty embarrassing. In the past, I’d never write a piece like this unless maybe it was someone’s story that they reported to me. Maybe they would be reporting how important it was that I was nice or kind to them. Maybe they were in a rough spot and just needed to feel like they were the only person in the room when I talked to them… or something like that. I think I used to be ‘accidentally kind’, I think. And the stories affirmed that it’s something that I wanted to intentionally BE.

But today it was me who needed the kindness.

Today, it’s MY testimony pointing to how simple and impactful kindness can be.

The thing I hate to report, yet again, is that I had a rough few weeks. PT for the recovery of the knee surgery has been brutal, plus the solitude/depression, plus some Thanksgiving stuff that hurt my heart, I’m heartbroken to feel so helpless to help my mom through her up coming surgery… plus just… the pain… every time I think I’m just at my limit of exhaustion and pain endurance, God shows me that I can go further. I swear it just felt like quarter-sized tears just rolled down my face. At least this time, o kinda expected it. Earlier today, I didn’t.

Rewind to the start of the day… I had probably just been able to doze off around 3:30/4am… I think I rolled over wrong and the pain woke me up. About 5:30ish. I don’t know…. Sometimes I can fall back asleep, but I was just UP this AM. Hannah had to be up soon, anyway, so I just stayed up, did a couple devotional for the day, and saw her out the door. Then PT… and… yeah…. Physical therapy. Paid Torture. Pretty Terrible. Haha… I actually don’t hate PT. But this is my 15th session … each session containing a minimum of 18 visits. Each session bringing healing… via pain.

Painful start to a day. But I was determined, today, to go find a pool that I can start to rehab in. I had done a bunch of research earlier in the morning and made an appointment to visit the Equinox downtown. They advertised a pool and hot tub and classes etc. I was cooked after PT but I decided to just go for it today so I caught the Uber straight to my appointment. I get there 20/25 mins early and I’m pretty beat up, so I sit off to the side and kinda collect myself. I walk up to the desk when it’s my appointment time… within seconds, they explain that this location does NOT have a pool or those amenities and that they know it’s confusing on their site. The dude even told me that he’s had a few people come through thinking they had a pool and he wishes they would fix the website.

Here’s the thing. This is NOT a big deal to most people on most days. Me… I was in pain. I was spending money on Ubers and I don’t have money to just flush down the toilet like that. I’ve tried to find a place with a pool for so long… The disappointment was high. The annoyance was high. It was more of a let down than it normally might be for some people.

Now, I’m downtown. And I’m feeling like I need to accomplish SOMETHING while I’m down there. I jump on Google maps and see that a half a block away, there’s a Noodle and Company. So I hobble around the corner to go grab lunch. I walk in, need a few mins to check the menu, the clerk at the counter doesn’t pressure me at all. She takes my order, looks me in the eyes, laughs when I randomly remember that “someone told me one time that I had to get the Snicker Doodle at Noodle”. She made a joke that she thought that was her saying. I laughed. She was just … kind to me. It wasn’t complicated… it wasn’t flirting … it wasn’t weird… it was just kindness. Ugh… the tears again.

So I’m in this long ass weird season that’s lasted forever, it seems. I leave the house to go to church for Alpha, if I can. I leave my house to go to PT. And that’s pretty much it. So just popping into a fast casual spot for lunch barely happens… and then I get to go have lunch… and I’ve had a day… and I’m in pain and beat up… and that kindness just penetrated my soul. It did. I took my cookie and walked to the drink machine, and by the time I got there… tears were falling down my face, in public, and I just couldn’t help it. I just needed someone to be nice to me…. For no reason.

I didn’t even realize how much I was carrying today. I been trying my hardest to put it down as fast as it piles up, but sometimes, you don’t realize how tired you are. Or how close to the edge you might have wandered. Random kindness can be the thing that provides the guardrail for someone’s soul. It felt like that for me today. It helped me to actually stop and reflect and see where I was. Of course, weeping into my Diet Coke was not normal… so I definitely did a check in on how Joel was. Joel wasn’t ok. Joel is tired. And tired of pain. And just wants some things to feel like they are going right… instead of feeling like a constantly evolving struggle season.

But while I practice getting better at laying all my stuff at the foot of the Cross… I wanted to pop in here and tell you to BE KIND. Proverbs‬ ‭16‬:‭24‬ ‭(NIRV‬‬) says, “Kind words are like honey. They are sweet to the spirit and bring healing to the body.” It’s true. It’s so true. I needed to feel seen and needed to feel like I wasn’t a bother or an inconvenience. That’s how it helped me today?

The truth is… the girl was just doing her job and she seems like she’s just nice to everyone. She has made a decision to just be KIND. Even though I probably saw her yawn 5/6 times after I sat down and got my food. She was tired. Maybe bored. But she was still kind. I think it kinda reminded me that you don’t even have to be in the best mood yourself, to be kind. I think it’s checking out at target and being in a hurry to get home after work and seeing the cashier and looking them in the eyes and asking “How’s YOUR day going today?” It takes no time. It takes little effort. Inconveniences you minimally. Matter of fact, maybe she doesn’t charge you for the bags.

My point in saying all this… it’s true… you never really know what someone’s got going on. Being kind to someone might mean more than you’ll ever know.

Be kind. Someone out there needs it from You.