Share. The Newsletter
Share. The Newsletter
Isolation
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Isolation

Isolation

See…I gotta write this one out. The last couple, I needed to record with no filter. And that was fine… sometimes I have to turn the firehouse on and let it rip. But… for this entry… since I kinda don’t wanna do it… I have to give myself a bit more of a script to read from. I think this rationale comes from getting to know myself as a writer and/or podcaster. (Interesting personal observation… I shy away from calling myself a content creator and I don’t know exactly why… Maybe it’s too cliche for me? Maybe I’m not feeling extremely worthy.. Not sure, but there’s something there, for sure.)

Ahem…. As a content creator… writer … podcaster… as a believer…. it’s super important for me to be honest with myself first. I believe in this so much so, actually, that I’d rather not produce a product (I.e. newsletter or podcast) without it being 100% authentic. You know how hard it is to be authentic and honest when you are in the worst pain of your life everyday? Ugh… lemme tell you about it so I can get back to being honest about what’s to come.

I haven’t been able to talk to you guys much in the last month because, quite frankly… I was in too much pain. I legitimately experience pain that makes it too hard to think. I hope you’ve never experienced it, but, the pain that I feel often, is considered to be on the scale of child birth, shingles, tooth pain… but I have it almost everyday. For almost 2 years.

A quick breakdown: I had a back injury and a knee injury that I got from working at my job 3 years ago. In order to avoid having to surgically repair my back, they decided to prioritize surgery on my knee first… then aggressively rehab my back. I had that simple meniscectomy surgery on Election Day 2020. November 3rd, 2020. Not only have I not walked since that day, I’ve had building complications from that surgery. My knee feels like there is a double sided icepick in it. So I cannot bear weight on it at all. Pain at that extreme level has triggered a severe pain syndrome that travels from my lower back, under my butt, through my knee and I can feel it all the way in my foot. That pain makes it nearly impossible to sit most days, because it feels like someone’s taken a scalding hot knife and cut a trail from my lower back, through my sit bone, down under my hamstring and pulsating through my knee. I’ve been on crutches so long that my untreated back injury has gotten so bad, that now… I can’t feel my thumb on my left hand and as that numbness spreads, the pain that’s traveling from my neck through my shoulder and down my arms gets so bad that it can legitimately overwhelm my senses so badly that all I can do is sleep. Sometimes, it’s the only time that my pain can be somewhat managed…. Because it’s not really sleeping. It’s just “trying not to be awake”.

Ok. I said it. I told y’all what’s been going on. THAT’s why I’ve been quiet and haven’t been able to create or SHARE or livestream or write.

“But Joel… that’s totally a fine reason for taking some time to yourself and healing”

But I haven’t been healing. I’ve been getting worse. I’ve done everything I can do to heal. I’ve fought lawyers and doctors and work comp to heal. Tooth and nail. And I’ve lost so many battles. And I’ve only gotten worse in the last 2 years. On so many fronts.

“But you are trying… and that’s what matters. And sometimes you need to lay low and lick your wounds”

And see…that’s what I knew y’all would say. Did I hide behind that? A little?? I don’t know. Maybe. And the only reason I even knew to think about it was because I had a friend the other day say something that I knew I needed to be careful with. She said “you’ve been so quiet, I’m concerned that you are isolating”.

Here are some of the thoughts that I had around that conversation and through the last couple months. I’m going to be painfully transparent here…

“This is too much.”

“I’ve lost too much.”

“My health it too deep in a hole to be able to recover back to the way I was.”

“My kid deserves more from me.” (Normally this feeling comes in regards to financial things. Most recently I thought about it with back to school shopping. I actually think I’m a pretty good dad but I have a lot of shame that’s built up with not being able to really work and make money in this season)

“No, I’m not isolating… people just don’t know what I’m going through. I’m just so sick of talkin about how much bad shit is STILL going on.”

Then, news flash Joel…. You’re isolating! Lol.

And… that’s not my purpose. My purpose isn’t to hide. My purpose is to SHARE. You know what I think happened, also? I had such a great couple weeks around that episode called “Angels in my Eyes”, I thought that I had hit a breakthrough point and everything was about to start getting massively better.

And don’t get me wrong… the mental space that was created… The hope that flooded my life… the energy and motivation that I experienced was not only perfect timing, it was contagious. But my body isn’t just currently disabled… it’s debilitating. And… as I arrive at this reality… I think I also am realizing that I may have accidentally set an “expectation trap” for myself.

I thought I was turning the corner… with everything. I thought that when I got the huge boost of encouragement and provision, that it meant that maybe I was coming to the end of this God awful season. But… maybe I was just in dire need of some encouragement. Maybe God just needed to get me further along in the season so that He had more time to develop me. Maybe I just needed to see my faith payoff again in the last couple years. And I am so thankful for it.

And I’m so thankful for this season.

Yeah….

Still….

Even this last month or so, when the pain has been so bad to think… you know what has continuously been affirmed? The less I’ve SHAREd, the more helpless I’ve felt. The more I’ve hidden, the weaker I’ve gotten. Keeping a closed mouth about it has only kept me from asking for the prayer and support that I’ve needed.

And you know what? I’m still SO freakin tired of this being my day-to-day reality… and I’m SO tired of how it’s not only affecting me but also my family… but I have to remind myself almost everyday that this isn’t something that I did. This is something that I have regrets around. This is a season of limitations that is redefining my purpose, my empathy, my strength and my legacy. The world is going to be a better place because I have suffered and will overcome. This testimony will be one that’s forged in fire.

And all the while, through it all, God gave me the weapons to fight the battles all along. SHAREing is a weapon. One that fights depression, anxiety, loneliness, isolation, desperation… SHAREing leads to freedom. It leads to moments of clarity and where the weight feels less.

I’m so happy that I have people close close to me that are still connected enough to reach out and express the tough concerns. “Isolation” is one of those trigger words that I know can be so dangerous for me. Not only because of all of the natural implications and mental health concerns around isolation, itself… but also because I KNOW that isolation is the polar opposite of my purpose and my mission in life. It’s not how we’ve been created. We’ve been created to do life WITH each other. I know that I’ve been purposed with doing life with people that are in tough spots. I know that I can’t do that, if I’m not SHAREing.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to lean into something that’s been really hard for me in the last month or so.

I’m hopeful that maybe my ramblings …. My SHAREing helps someone out there.

God is good. All the time. What’s crazy is that I’ve never doubted that part… I hope that’s still part of my testimony through it all… I have a feeling that it will be.


Hey, thank you for listening to this and being a part of my own personal struggle and journey. I appreciate you more than you know. If you feel compelled to support me and my mission to “teach people to SHARE their blessings and their bruises to connect with love and empathy” you can show it in a couple different ways!

  • subscribe to this newsletter/podcast

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Thank you!! We’re going to keep going TOO!! Promise!!

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Share. The Newsletter
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