I don’t want to do this anymore, God
I don’t. I can’t. You are putting me through too much. I can’t handle it anymore. I keep telling everyone how good You are…. And You keep turning Your face from me. Why? What am I missing, God? How have You let this happen to me?
I failed.
I don’t know how.
I spend days… weeks… months… retracing my steps to see where I went off course. When I ask my people, they are either as confused as I am… or very certain that they know where I went wrong. Unfortunately, I can’t trust strong opinions when they sound so much different than Your voice. I know most mean well. But, man-made logic only confuses me more.m, at this point.
I listen. I head every word. I run it by You again and again. They don’t think I listen, but I do. I just don’t know why none of it sounds like what You tell me.
You’ve said so much to me. Even if and when it’s me writing it. Or even saying it. It’s like the words glow… or something like that. It’s the same way when I hear You speak through someone else… it’s like I can hear it and see it and feel it… at the same time.
I’ve heard You in the voice of every single person that has spoken to me in this season. You’ve used THEM, before, and I’ve heard it. But now they don’t sound like You. Now they sound like them. Of course, “them” is all the know how to be… but it’s so confusing, God … because that means I have to decipher how and when You use them… to talk to ME.
And as shitty as this sounds… if you’re one of the people that has spoken into my life and I just didn’t think those words lined up with what God has been saying… it’s the same way I have to listen to my OWN voice with discernment. I have to dbl check my OWN thoughts.. much less the advice of others.
If I didn’t, I’d be dead already. Because I’ve heard my OWN voice deliver thoughts that I know aren’t from God… so I have to constantly filter.
If not, I’d just be another Jesus freak nut job that took the “easy” way out. That’s a fact. You wouldn’t even believe the things that I’ve heard my own thoughts say. And it sounded just like me. It just didn’t line up with what the Spirit has said about me or to me.
So don’t be too offended. I can’t listen to my own thoughts sometimes. Why would it be any easier or different with humans? You mean well. But lately it just makes me feel more alone. No one that’s said definitive things about my situation or what I should have done has ever checked back in… they haven’t circled back on the “hard convo where I just needed to hear the truth” and said… anything. To me. They deliver what they think… and back away. Tough love. I guess.
But, you don’t do that to me God… even when You feel far… I know You are close. Even when I’m so hurt by what You let happen, I know Your heart breaks too. I can feel it. You show it. Maybe it’s when I least expect it… but You’ve never shown me tough love and then created space between us. You only move closer… it seems.
Matter of fact… sometimes that’s why it’s so devastating.
Perfect example… after years of having to take Ubers to and from physical therapy, I have this surgery and am finally able to walk the 3 blocks over there. Progress. Thank You Jesus.
Then, You even help me get in the right headspace to organize my Uber receipts, and You even send me a friend to help me do what I could not do. We get all the details and receipts and expense reporting done. It comes out to the exact amount I need for 2 months rent.
Praise God. Hallelujah! It’s another impossible thing that YOU have done, God. Right?? Cuz it is. YOU did that, God. Not only will I be able to sustain October rent, but thank You Jesus… November, too. Phew God. You are good… You are Holy… this is impossible… YOU live in the impossible! I told the haters that You we’re gonna show up and show out… and AGAIN.. You do!
Three weeks later, it’s the beginning of October. God, where’s the check at? It’s not here. But… remember what You did? I mean… I gave You praise for this already God. Matter of fact, I’m detecting a pattern here. I give You praise 99.9% of the time BEFORE You lift a finger for me. And… like Jordan… I’m callin the shot before it hits the bottom of the net.
I mean… You know I’m not bullshitting … You’re God. You watch me do it EVERY time… but…
I emailed the lawyers. They said.. I’m probably not gonna see that money til Mid-November.
That’s not supposed to be the deal God. You already know how thin the ice is underneath me with my home situation. You know what I needed and You provided … but God… that’s too late.
And it’s too late. I let my gracious landlord know what I was told about the reimbursement and I went from full of faith… to devastated.
From evangelism to eviction. Sounds like a Michael Todd tile Jarrett Stevens sermon title. Except the fact that I write this with tears in my eyes… and I have not seen the glory that You have promised.
From testimony to tragedy.
From hopeful to “How could You?”
And why? I don’t have the ability to see through my tears, God. You want me to go through eviction and losing my home… my kids home… now?? After You brought me THIS FAR?? I trusted You with everything. You can’t even question my faith… YOU KNOW IT. YOU SEE IT! I talk to you more than I talk to all the humans on earth COMBINED and You couldn’t give me a heads up? Nah… I still trust You. But this is some bullshit, God. Yeah I know there’s an end to the season and I know that there’s a testimony above all testimony’s but look… I don’t WANT to suffer anymore.
I been takin it on the chin for a few years now. You haven’t let ONE of my ideas for making some side money even work. The same people giving me advice on what I shoulda done think I been doing nothin. Thanks to You. All the things I’ve attempted to do for some income… have failed. All of them. Normally has something to do with a pain flair that I’m in for days..where I can’t leave my bed. Oh yeah. Go figure… yup. The same reason I’m on freakin disability is the same shit that keeps derailing me from working even part time.
The only time that it feels like my mind is actually working is when I’m writing. I said that to a friend, today, in the middle of one of my most pathetic breakdowns in history… Writing.. and Ministry… it’s the only time I feel alive. And Ive done the writing thing and prayed for it to get traction so that I can do that while I’m in bed, in pain. Or when my mind is clear enough to write. I’ve even had some writing stuff completely derailed by my pain or depression.
What am I missing, God?
At this point, I keep hearing all the things that everyone has suggested that I’ve done wrong. None of em said the same thing… so which one was right?
Nah. Never mind. I just wanna hear what YOU have to say.
I listened to YOU and got here. I listened to YOU and went all in. I listened to YOU and now it’s too late to listen to anyone else.
I’ve failed. So far.
I’m no one, now.
It’s just You and me, now. And it has been for some time.
When will You let me tell the rest of the story that I know You have promised me. YOU promised!!! YOU did…. YOU chose me for this. YOU did… YOU let me suffer and I have never… not ONCE doubted You or disrespected You or turned away from You.
Yeah I’m hurt, God. You know that. My heart is in a million pieces. It has been laying on the floor scattered around me like shards of glass… for so long…
I know You can’t be wrong, God, but then that means… what if I was wrong? What if I zigged when I should have zagged? What if I missed it?
What if… my pain never goes away?
What if… my mind never comes back as resourceful as it once was?
What if… I heard You wrong?
What if I misunderstood?
What if this is all my fault?
It has to be me… cuz I know it can’t be You. I don’t… understand.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
Prov 3:5-6 ESV
The only one I trust is You.
Show me what I’m missing, God. Please. I’m
Begging You. I know You have NEVER shown me anything that I couldn’t find in the Bible, either. So show me. Please.
Save me. I’m downing.
Your son…
Joel
This is not a piece asking for anything but prayer for provision. This was a piece that I just started writing and, I know it’s not all rainbows and butterflies… I know it’s not. It’s not fun to read or easy to digest but I don’t have any use for my pride anymore. I just want to do what God as called me to do and that’s to “Teach people to share their blessings and their bruises to connect with love and empathy.” I just was writing this to God… and you know that “Glowing” thing that I mentioned in the piece? It happened while I was writing it and I don’t know much… but when it’s from HIM… it’s for YOU, the reader, too. I don’t know how He’s going to use it. But, I trust Him. Even if He’s letting me get my ass kicked and my life fall apart.
I trust Him
kickin and screamin… I trust Him.