Boom š„ āļø
I gotta start writing this before the sleep is even out of my eyes. Before Iāve even brushed my teeth, I was making an outlive for this piece. I want to name it BOOM because thatās how I woke up a few minutes ago.
Today is check up day for my most recent surgery. I have good things and bad things to discuss with the doctor. Iāll get into that in a minute.
I was laying there and I had been waken up slightly by the pouring rain and I was in a bit of a twilight sleep. Matter of fact, I knew I was in a twilight sleep because it reminded me of surgery. They had to keep me anesthetized but able to feel certain things and be aware at the same time. I woke up about 6-8 times during the surgery and indicated āright there!!ā Or whatever I would say.
Just like in my dream state, today, I was abnormally lucid during the procedure. I started realizing that Iād be jolted outta sleep by pain that I only felt for a secondā¦ and in that moment I was able to talk to the surgical team. So, once I woke up and acted like I was hailing a taxi. They all laughed. I canāt remember what else I did, but a couple different times, I came out of the dream-sleep and said something funny to amuse the team doing the surgery. Just to make em laugh.
Iām not so graceful or intentionally funny or light hearted towards Joel though.
In my dream state this morning I was ALL worry. I heard the rainā¦ and I love the rainā¦ but I heard the rain and the first thing I thought was about my doctors appointment today. If itās raining, I gotta make sure I donāt slip or anything because I cannot afford any more setbacks.
Then I started thinking about how this surgery has been helpful butā¦ if Iām being 100% honest, has felt 50/50 helpful : discouraging. I start thinking about how much pain Iāve sorted through in the last 5/6 days and how I go from a hopeful day to a helpless day in a flash. And Iām full of testimony one day and paralyzed by depression the next.
I havenāt even waken up yetā¦ and Iām thinking about how I wanted to plow through 10 days of writing and I failed at it. I start thinking about the piece that I started writing called āoff my medsā and I start thinking āsee guysā¦ this is the high and low of my life, on display in this project alone.ā Killin it in the upper third of my mental capacity but then staggering when the lower third of my mental claims the āthinking rightsā for the day.
Iām laying there and Iām checking in with my body and I just feel so much pain in it. From the knee to my pinched nerves in my back, up to my back where I pulled a muscle while stretching yesterday. Lol. Yup. Iāve got all of these thoughts running through my asleep mind.
How are you ever going to come back from this? Will you just be in pain forever?? What good could come of all of it? It all seems like such a waste ā¦ and a dragā¦ on lifeā¦
I havenāt even opened my eyes yet.
I havenāt even stretched.
I havenāt even taken my āstep of faithā this morning.
I havenāt even had my first awake thoughts of the day and Iām already in a shame spiral.
Out of thin air ( literally ) there is a loud BOOM. Thunder SO loud it had 6 to 10 car alarms going off at the same time. My window rattled as if it was going to shatter. My mind went from āslipping before it even saw the daylightā toā¦. Silent. It went from āoverwhelmedā to quiet. Sometimes I describe pain like itās heavy blaring death metal music blaring SO loud that it cancels 80/90% of of your thoughts, but in this thunderclap ā¦ peace fell over me.
Almost like, if God was at His desk and, being able to hear everything thatās going on inside my mind, He smacked His desk likeā¦ āENOUGH!ā
I giggled.
In my sleep.
I did.
My eyes werenāt open yet but I had enough bandwidth by that point to realize what had just happened. He snapped me out of it. I didnāt even have control of those dream-state thoughts. I didnāt even know I was thinking them, to be honest. They were spiraling before I could even address them. Before I could even psyche myself up, I was tilted.
But thenā¦. Not.
Instantly.
I started writing this blog. Right then.
Hey, lookā¦ you are seeing me and my situation in all of its glory and all of its complicated and all of its ass kicking. I wasnāt hiding the last couple days, I was getting my ass kicked. Pain was crazy. Mental was crazy. It was the other side of the coin from days 1-4 of this project.
In Matthew 18:12-14 it says:
āāWhat do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.ā
Iām thankful to know that when God says that Heās going to go after the 1 lost sheep, that it is true. Maybe it has better dramatic effect for the purpose of testimony when itās a person thatās wondered all the way away from God and that celebration is massive.
But I donāt think He just does it the BIG production stuff NEARLY as often as He does the little things that we might not even see or realize. If you are a follower of Christ, Heās come after you PLENTY of little times to make sure you stay with the flock.
And yet, we still wander off.
I still wander off.
And He still sends the thunder to wake my pitiful ass up and reset my soul.
Iām really happy I was able to remember SOME of the stuff I was thinking about in my dream state. The truth isā¦ those thoughts lost all power over my day in that thunderclap so it was hard to remember what I was even bothered by.
Now, today, Iām expectant for everything that will be good about it. Even if my surgery appointment starts in the direction of talking about surgery 6ā¦ I know Iām on a healing path for the first time in 3 years. How?? Wellā¦ I havenāt used my crutches since the day after my surgery. Yup. August 1st 2023 was the last day I used my left OR right crutch. Why? Because even though there is still a lot of pain through the leg and knee, specificallyā¦ I couldnāt walk because of the nerves that had been pushed into my knee cavity. I would crush those nerves every time I took a stepā¦ well, she must have gotten them outta there because Iām slowly but surely getting the ability to bare weight on that knee again.
You know what? I need to confess this. Iām scared guys. I think thatās something thatās been laying heavy on me, too. I havenāt been in circulation in the world since before the pandemic. I got my surgery close to the time that everyone was starting to come OUT hiding from Covid and Iāve been here ever since. Iām nervous about what life could be like. Iām overwhelmed some days about how far behind I am in life. In relationships. Financially.
Iām sorry Iām scared, God. But I am.Ā I know You are going to show me the way. I know You are gonna fix it all. Iām just scared. And I want to confess that to You and say Iām sorry. Itās hard for my human mind to contemplate what You could be up to ā¦ but I truly trust it. I truly trust You.
Thanks for comin to get me outta my sleep this morning.
ā”ļø
Love You.
Joel