Lemme type this prayer request out so I can get free of this anxiety ā¦
God, you know how much today has been looming in my mind, for me. I havenāt done a very good job of asking for You to intervene or help or comfort me, because sometimesā¦ I think You donāt worry or stress about the little petty things that I think about. But, in reality, that just means that I keep it. I let it chew away at my peace. I let it hover around in my mind like a cloud blocking the sunshine.
I donāt really know why I do it because I KNOW my burden is lighter when I let You do the heavy-lifting.
Anywayā¦ I have this doctors appointment today. Itās an Independent Medical Examination ā¦ but thereās nothing āindependentā about it. Itās an exam by a doctor hired by the work comp insurance company that gets paid $2500 every visit to see a patient like me. Iāve gone through this twiceā¦ and both times the āindependentā doctor contradicted the opinions of my pain specialist and my care team. This has roadblocked a lot of treatments and procedures and the politics of this whole system has resulted in me still being disabled. I still have the exact same pain in the exact same place that Iāve had since day 1 after surgery and things have only piled on top of thatā¦
Iām scared that today is gonna be the same old bullshit, God. To be honest. Iām scared that Iām still not healing. Iām scared that every time I go for one of these appointments, I get set up to have my benefits revoked or I have to call a lawyer to file a motion to help me live or heal or have a procedure. Everything is a fight and Iām so exhausted.
I can feel the weight of 15 months of pain weighing on me because I feel less optimistic that one of these paid actor doctors will actually help me. Will You help shift my perspective, God? Iāve given this human being and this group of human beings so much powerā¦ if FEELS like they have so much power. It feels like this system has kept its giant thumb on my back this whole timeā¦ keeping me pinned to the ground.
Will you help me to better confess the fear that I have ā¦ hereā¦ now. I confess that Iām scared that Iām not going to walk again. I confess that I fear that Iāve lost everything and thereās no way Iāll ever be able to get out of this hole. I confess that pain has stolen my lightness and a lot of my joy. I confess that days like today feel gross and violatingā¦ it feels like being brought into court and being told āprove that the assailant assaulted youā. Instead of figuring out how to help, they just try to make you feel like this is somehow YOUR faultā¦ orā¦ you arenāt seeing it correctly. Over and over and over.
I need You to help me reclaim my peace and my confidence today. I need a reminder today that YOU have already gone before me and cleared the way for me. I need You to remind me that Iām not a victim, God. Remind me that something bad happened, You used it. Something else happened, You used it. Something got delayed, You used it. You have used every single moment of this season to develop me, grow me and show me how to depend on You.
I ask that You open the eyes of someone on this care team that can weigh in and help me heal. I ask that You soften the hearts of the people that are in these bureaucratic positions to realize that thereās a human being on the other end of their paper work. Remind them today that Iām not a case number.
Travel with me as I go to the burbs today to get looked at and poked and prodded. Let me remember grace. Let me say the exact right words that trigger a chain reaction that leads to the right procedures to heal me. Let me remember that there is not a human being in the world that can heal me better than Jehovah Rapha āThe Healerā. Your name means āthe Lord who healsā or āmakes wholeā.
Give me, today Godā¦ the strength to call out for You every single time I need You.
Thank You for never leaving me.
Amen
Amen amen amen!x